Reinventing myself: A New Beginning.

The reality is that you can’t sit behind your computer forever, one day you’ll have to accept the world doesn’t accept idle people.

For years I’ve struggled to rise from my lethargic state, from which I eat junk food with no end, fail to maintain my body through exercise and let my mental state slide into the void that consumes all who enter. It is best represented as the never ending cycle of despair, depression and loneliness whose sole purpose is destruction. It seemed almost impossible to break the cycle, but the truth is that you can.

Over the past month I’ve been seeing someone who has helped me get back on track, giving me renewed faith where previously there was none. It is an incredible achievement when you consider the time in which it arose, that out of the darkness came, the blackened mist came a angelic light with the power to bring change. And change is at its very heart. No longer can I allow myself to be controlled by my inner chimp, whose emotionally shaped path allows for nothing of worth to come about. The reality is I can’t sit here all day, starting at the screen and living in the bubble. Now that bubble has burst.

From now on its different, all that sacrifices which I will make are not for me, but for the future. Everything which the present me will do, exercising, pushing the boundaries outside of my comfort zone and becoming a more positive person are not for me at all, but my future self who will have a better quality of life as a result.

One aspect of life which I wish to provide my future self, which I am severely lacking, is the chance for a partner. Whether that be a man or woman, the reality of the situation is that when people look for a partner, they look for some who’s going to help provide social, emotional, financial and sexual stability. At this moment in time I provide none of those things, sure people may say that I’m a funny guy with some intellectual capacity, but I don’t have a job, I’ve never really thought about a serious career path and have few positive social traits. Add to this I’m not the greatest looking and starting to become overweight and you’ve got a home run of all the wrong variables. It’s time to change this, so the future me can at least have a chance, where present me currently has no chance.

All I do, all I will do, is for the future.

 

What the word Capable means to me

via Daily Prompt: Capable

 

I’ve seen quite a few of these daily prompts in my feed before but have yet to respond to one. Today that’s different as the chosen word has had a consistent presence throughout my time in the education system, especially in recent years.So what does capable mean? A quick search using Google brings up the definition “having the ability, fitness, or quality necessary to do or achieve a specified thing.”. Pretty straightforward to understand, nothing too complicated.

To me however capability represents something more important, its not just about having the skills to do a specific job but more broad than that. To me the word capable encompasses the emotional and social aspects of being human, being able to understand yourself and those which surround you. There was a time when I was enrolled on a course to help understand myself and the problems I faced, one of the lecturers there (who was also my main tutor for support) would always say that I was one of the more capable students they’ve seen. They obviously meant that as a compliment to help boost confidence but I never felt that way, instead it would only fuel my decent as my reaction always was to rail against it. Usually with awful consequences for the state my mental health.

It’s not just about dealing with people or yourself, its also about how ready I am for a job. This very concept has caused me much pain over the past few years as I dwell on this thought. After all having a job is one of the most important things a person can do, it occupies their time, gives them a purpose, the financial assets to enjoy life. Being older than most people in the college system is pretty disheartening as realistically I should be in a job, working my way up through the hierarchy and into the higher echelons of business. When I see myself and where I am, in comparison to my peers from school, who are getting on in life, have successful relationships, have jobs, and for at least half of the women they even have kids. It’s a stark reminder of where I am and where I should be, rather than the position I find myself in. I toss and turn between the different sides of whether I feel capable or not, usually falling on the “not” side of things.

This word is quite a lot more influential in my life than it should be and has had more impact on me than most others.