Wanting to be something

Do you ever get that feeling that you’ll never achieve anything in life? I don’t just mean the simple things like getting a job, a house or even a wife and family. I’m talking about achievements that will echo through the annals of history. This feeling, it comes and goes,  it takes hold with a quite severe emotional bombardment which can be likened to that of artillery fire on the Western Front, the explosions the ripples of thoughts and feelings we go through.

It always finds its way back whenever I watch films about important historical events, great leadership figures and political masterminds. Such as the Chinese film 1911 Revolution, which details the events of the uprising against the Qing Dynasty and the creation of the republic is what caused a return for such emotions. For seeing such achievements, whether it be fighting for a cause, fighting on the front lines in the revolution to secure a better life for their fellow countrymen, dying in the mud to help the dream become realized. Or taking charge of a political movement, leading the charge into the battle of wits and intellect, the battle for the heart and souls of the people. It is disheartening because in comparison I look in the mirror at myself and I see nothing.

Another is to die fighting in a final stand, like that of the sacrifice of the mythical Leonidas and his 300 Spartan brothers who fought against all odds to defend Greece from the Persian invaders at the Hot Gates. For in a final stand there is nothing that comes after, here is the manifestation of the ultimate sacrifice which is made, giving ones life knowing that there is no way out, to die a noble death for ideals which can never be forgotten.

For when I see their achievements right here before me, I always know that I’ll never be among them, that I’ll never be great enough or achieve anything to merit my transcendence to history. Whether it be tales of heroic sacrifices on the field of battle or their place as leaders in revolutions to change their country and its destiny. I’ll always envy them, wishing I could be in their positions to achieve something in life.

Maybe its my own fault for giving into such delusions of grandeur? that I should be more realistic about what it is possible for me to achieve with the hand life has given me. I mean, is it wrong to want to achieve something in life?  To be remembered?



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